Mom has a new cell phone and I call her because Little Man is way out of control this week and has lately been taunting me with “You can’t tell my Mom you don’t have her phone number” Well you can imagine the look of shock, then disappointment when he realized that oh crud I WAS talking to her. Mom was great backed up everything I said and added that if he continued to misbehave she too would give him consequences. Now I don’t know if she really will but hey at least she is supportive.
After Little Man announces he has to go because the spaghetti is ready, I talk to Mom alone. She tells me the new place has rules too but it is still going well. She says the case manager is going to increase her visits next week and that her previous place screwed her over by making her come to a house where she can’t have her kids. She states that she is going to apply for another program that will allow the kids to stay with her. I am not sure what to say to her so I just say “Well do what you can do to take care of yourself”. Then the bombshell is dropped, she says “Well this program is 6-9 months and I am stable now and don’t need this support because I am good and just want the kids back”
A familiar dread comes over me. None of this is adding up and my brain hurts from the voice in my head screaming “NO” but what can I say it isn’t my job to keep her in treatment. I run it all past the kids case manager and as I suspected some of it wasn’t true. She did pick the program, it was not picked for her, visits MIGHT increase IF she remains in compliance with the program but last placement she was not in compliance so we shall see. She might apply for another program IF her counselor thinks it is appropriate and NO DSS does not think she is stable enough to get the kids really soon.
I am torn apart. Part of me wants her to succeed, part of me hopes that if she is going to fail she do it sooner rather then later. I feel horrible that I feel this way but all I can think is if the kids go back and she relapses it is hell again for the kids. Little Man is already broken I am not sure what else he can handle and still have hope for healthy. Little Bit, well she has some issues too and one of them is trust so this would not help her at all. I hate myself for not believing she can do it and blame in part the trainings I took about opiates and addiction and the grim statistics they provide. But ultimately I understand it is that I am choosing not to believe in her and I do hate that part of me but can’t deny that it is there. I feel like the worst foster parent right now though no I never say anything negative to Mom about her recovery.
I force myself to look at the positive, she has not used heroin in a year and been doing well on methadone maintenance. She is a good person and is taking some great steps. She trusts me and knows that I am taking care of her kids. All of this is good and needs to be where I put my energy.
I will try not to focus on the monster called addiction because that makes me despair.