The Balancing Act

The talks with Mom continue and the kids seem happy to talk with her. Even Little Bit who was initially shy has started to open up and talk to her. She sounds happy at times and sad at others. I don’t understand obviously but I empathize with her and at the same time hurt for her.

The case manager came last week and said that Dad is homeless. He was evicted since he was not able to maintain sobriety. He was suppose to go inpatient but has not yet done it. Mom is being discharged it is not considered successful or unsuccessful it is just that she is not following rules and they are done with her. They told her it was because she had gotten all she could from the program because they were concerned if they told her otherwise it would impact her self esteem and she would go back to using. My stomach did a complete flip when B- said that, they lied, they straight up lied to her. The case manager does not know where she will go but chances are good there will be no extended visits, no over nights and no going to live with her for awhile. Again I feel sick none of this sounds good and worse is that the case manager looks as bad as I feel. He is concerned that when he goes  to court he will have problems because they said one thing to her and another to him. In this moment I feel bad for B- his job at points must be tougher then mine.

I realized today that it has already been 6 months since they have come to live with me. Just two months ago we were talking about overnights and transitioning home and now we are in limbo. I think I will term this phase foster care purgatory. I have to plan to keep them forever and at the same time work to get them home. I am angry and frustrated  and then angry again. Why can’t she just get her head out of her behind?!?!? I know I need to be patient but just follow the freaking rules it isn’t forever and your kids lives are at stake. I struggle so hard to be patient when I cannot understand I need to pray for patience and forgiveness so I can be effective.

I made plans two months ago to go to Arizona to see a friend and the Grand Canyon. Now I have to see if Mom will give permission to take the kids and if not they  have to go to respite. I have to rearrange flights and car rentals and it isn’t that I don’t want to take them it is that it costs more to change all these reservations. She could say yes she could say no it is in her court and regardless I will respect the choice she makes. Hopefully I find out Monday what I need to do so I can move from there.

I am so afraid for Mom right now. I voiced this to the Case Manager and he said nothing at all. I wonder if he too feels it. I want her to come out on top but I just can’t believe that she will. I am a constant pessimist though and I do hope I am wrong but if I am not the kids will be so disappointed. I don’t even want to imagine the look in Little Man’s eyes.

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