The half marathon is this weekend and I am prepared for the literal up hills both way race. I am looking forward to time with the girls without the fosters. I am worried about the fosters though because they are going to their original placement which Little Man is happy about. What if Little Man likes them more, what if he hates coming home to me. Am I big enough for that kind of rejection. The respite family is sweet we have used them before but Little Man was their kid before and there are bonds there that I am jealous of maybe. I know I shouldn’t be concerned and yet I am; the what ifs really get me.
I guess I am scared that they will be back in care and it will be between me and the respite family for permenancy. I want to be their permanent but am pretty sure the respite family does too. They have more going for them they are married, retired and have a great family. I have no family local and oh yeah a crazy dog. Compared to them I am not good enough and yes the kids deserve better it just hurts to know we are not better.
I don’t really want the kids to go back to Mom and it is wrong for me to feel this way. I know intellectually she deserves a chance but emotionally I am terrified of her failure. It is not clear that much is different and if nothing is different the kids come back into care for the third time. It hurts because I want to be there for them should they return but I also want to leave my agency. I can’t have it both ways, I have to choose and its killing me.