I received an email from the school psychologist today and instantly it made me sad. He was asking if I was going to consider applying to the Office of People with Developmental Disabilities to get M2 some additional resources. I wanted to cry and scream all at the same time. I know intellectually that it is in M2’s best interest to apply for services but emotionally I felt defeated. I felt like a complete failure as a parent, a caregiver and a human being. I keep wanting to believe that something will happen and it will finally click, she will finally catch up or make significant gains but it has been 5 years and we have tried everything only minimal progress has been made. I blame myself, if I didn’t work, if I worked harder with her, if I pushed her more there must be something, something I could have done better or different. Intellectually I am there I am on board I can do this….emotionally I am grieving the loss of everything that will not be that I wanted to be.
Then the anger hits and I am just ugly. I am angry for what I have lost with M1 and now another huge blow with M2. I will never have a close meaningful relationship with M1 as she has RAD and fears that more then life itself. Now with M2 I am losing intellectual capabilities and facing possible limitations later in life. I am angry at right now that life has to be hard, I am angry that I am angry and I am disappointed in myself . Yes the spiritual voice in my head is saying things like “If God brings you to it. God brings you through it” and “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle” But today in this moment I am angry that I am brought here to deal with this. No one I know has ever walked here before I feel alone, scared and did I mention angry.
But I make the appointment. I must do what I can to help my children even when I am not emotionally ready for it. I go on Monday to start the process and I have till then to calm myself down. I can’t be angry it is only destructive. I must remember my little one’s strengths and not focus on what she cannot do. I can grieve the loss but must find the silver lining so that M2 learns to focus on the positive too.