Scared silly what to do….

The children’s profiles were sent to your worker on 12/19/13. Their matching conference is 1/30/14 and I would need to know if you want to be considered for them before 1/16/14. Please make sure your worker is able to participate in our matching conferences (via phone)otherwise, we will not be able to consider you.

I got this email today after a series of missed phone calls and left messages. My heart stopped for second and leaped clear into my throat. OMG I had not heard anything…my worker told me nothing…oh freak now what. So I sent an email to my worker and said hey did you get this can I get it. She replied “I can’t find it. Have her resend it”  I sigh yeah sure you lost it but thank goodness the girls worker sent it and then my worker sent it to me.

My hands shook as I read through the description. It was almost a 180 of the sunny description they painted in the summary I had read. It is a sibling group of three from Ohio. WOW I thought as I read it the first is very turbulent the second no reported issues and the third on the autism spectrum. My heart broke as I read the descriptions of what had happened to the oldest and what brought her into care. What brought the other two into care was not much better. My knee jerk reaction was yes yes I want to be considered but then my logical brain kicked in and things got all messy.

Three kids…double my current family size…two with issues….was I in over my head? I sent an abbreviated description to my BFF and asked for her take on the situation. She replied eventually and said basically ‘hey it is your two all over again’ Sure she was right my oldest was described as “feral” when she first came to me and this young one was a little less traumatized and my youngest, well she is on the autism spectrum as well. I knew the diagnosis that both girls have and have first hand experience at dealing with both but as my worker pointed out “that is a huge risk unless all three had no behavior issues”. What do I do???

I contacted my pastor and he said “It sounds like you made a decision. Do what Joseph did, he made a decision to “have Mary put away quietly” and then the Lord spoke to him. Commit to your decision and then listen if you hear nothing it is his will but if like Joseph you are making a mistake you will get a sign” I am so torn, I don’t know if I want these kids because they are the right ones or if I wanted these kids because they came through. I ran this thought past my pastor and he simply said “Have you turned down others?” and yes I had so he said again “commit to your decision and pray for guidance, it will come if you ask”

No there are no guarantees even if I did go before the committee the committee could decide that I was not a match but I was more concerned about going before the committee and having them find me a match. I ran it past my kids and they hands down said “do it” they are too funny.

I have a week to make up my mind, pray for guidance and hope to receive some divine intervention.

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