I had a wonderful time with my parents and my friends yesterday as they celebrated Thanksgiving at my house. All was going fairly well until my mother sort of trapped me in the kitchen and began to question me about the adoption process.
I advised her I was looking at different kids from the initial one we were matched with because the initial child’s status had changed to hold which meant they would not at this time consider adoptive placement. I told her I sent info requests to Massachusetts to see about some children over there. I omitted it was a sibling group because I don’t need the free lecture that would entail right before dinner. I did however mention that MA was really into open adoptions and then proceeded to tell her what that could mean.
You could see my mother visibly bristle when I relayed the details so I asked her if there was a problem. She stated “I would never send that woman (birth mom) a photo. I would never want her to know what the kids look like. What if something happened?” I tried not to be angry with her as I can understand her concern. I am HER daughter and I live ALONE in the country. I tried to explain how you can’t just shut out a birth parent or withhold their information because it is a critical piece of their identity. I tried to explain that the more you talk about it the better it is for the child and the whole time my very intelligent mother struggled to understand or maybe accept what I was saying. In the end she just said “Well I couldn’t do it that is for sure” and I reminded her that no one was asking her to.
I felt defeated on one hand I know I am doing the right thing keeping a birth parent in the loop at the same time I know that my parents are black and white about this. Once the kids were mine they were mine alone in their eyes and me telling them a piece of paper doesn’t erase their identity is not something I am sure they are ready to hear. But I don’t get upset with them really I mean before I educated myself on raising adopted children I might have done the same thing. They are good to the kids too and you would not see them treat any child differently so I guess I just have to let this one go…oh yeah and forget to mention when I do send the photos.